ballerina

29 November 2009 @ 02:05 pm

-I miss feeling empty, and clean. pure.
- I miss control.
- I miss the thrill I get out of being shakey and light headed.yes sadly I'm that fucked up.
- I miss 95.
- I miss him. Le sigh. Still try to face the fact I was used, what I was most scared of. I want someone whos going to treat me right, who makes me laugh, and won't hurt me. I'm tired of being the Blonde ditzy vulnerable girl who lives in the big house, whos dads a physciartrist. It seems like everyone judges me and expects perfectionism out of me. I'm thinking its time for a big change. I'm sick of people walking on me, I do have feelings. I don't have the perfect life I try to portray. I feel like a fake. Gah I'm sooo depressed, it been a hard Thanksgiving. This used to be my fav time of year, but now Its just not the same. My family broken apart, my hearts broken, and it was soo drama filled..I wish my damn family would pull it together one day they are going to regret all this stupid shit. Gah I don't know what wrong with me at the moment I'm soooo emotional. On top of that I've been force fed all week, I feel sooo sick and disgusting. I'm sooo scared to weigh in but I know I gained. I'm scared I hit the 3 digits, last time I did I went into a maniac fit, so I think I'm going to give it a day before I weigh in then mayb I'll be unbloated. Mayb? I have rehersals this evening, until then I'm going to go for a run mayb then I'll feel better. 8 days til my birthday 6 til my party. Starting tomorrow I'm fasting, hopefully I have enough energy for dance. blehh Dance makes it hard to fast. Oh well I want to feel half way decent for me bday.
Sorry for the depressing rant, Hope you had a good holiday.
Love Hannah

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20 November 2009 @ 06:34 am

(no subject)

SO yesterday I was doing sooo good.....I was at right at being finished w/ my 72 hr fast give or take 3 or 4 hours. Then I come home from dance, My mom waiting up and its like 9: 45 and she says" you look pale" are you sick. I say "NO", then she proceeds to ask if I've eaten today, I say" Duh, it was THanksgiving Dinner today at school." Of course I didn't eat, matter of fact I think I have like a 100 dollars in my lunch fund, I put the money in and never eat...but If I don't put it in then she will find out. So I'm wasting a bunch of money I wish I could give to the hundreds of kids who are actually starving. Neways, she continues to ask if I've eaten dinner. I say NO but I'm not hungry I'm just ready to go to bed and finish studying. So she says I need to eat, and forces me to eat...of course it something an assload of carbs, then I go crazy and binge like a freaking mad woman. I hate being forced to eat because then its like I'm defeated, I'm gonna give it another go. 17 days to my 17th bday and I'm still not going to be thin enough, I planned on having a huge party but not unless get down to 93. ITs doable if i stop fucking up. Hope you ladies and guys have an amazing day.

Current Mood: determined

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11 October 2009 @ 01:33 pm

(no subject)

hey girls
I haven't been on in about a week. I've missed you all. IT been a rough week, me and my boyfriend broke up. It about killed me seeing that he promised the world to me, and the way I see it is he just used me to get what he wanted. I'm sick of being used and treated like crap. He has been my most serious relationship, with him being in college he prolly found someone else. Not to mention I've been stuck at this weight for like two weeks! Idk what to do I'm going insane, I can't loose anymore no matter what. I fasted for 3 days and lost like a pound then gain 2 because of the break up. I guess I'm just reallly going to have to pull it together and make it happen. Urrrg. I have ab a month til I go to Florida for our family reunion thing and I want to be 90, and atleast feel a little confident. I'm sitting on 97 at the moment, so I know I can do it!

Hope you girl and (guys) are having a good weekend!
Hannah

Current Mood: determined

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06 August 2009 @ 12:44 pm

WHABAM

So today I realized somethingHUGE! I have 13 days before I start back to school, and this is my first yr back at private school. Mistakenly I though I had one day short of 3 weeks...and I can freaking control myself, I've balloned to 103. Before my grandpa died I was 89, now I'm a whale. I have to get to atleast 93 before school. So no more screw ups, I have to control myself and not let stress get the best of me. I need someone to help motivate me soo bad, I can't seem to stop screwing up. I can't stand myself right now, yet this repulsing fat isn't enough to keep me from eating normal or binging. This is it, no more fuck ups.
If you would like a txt or msn buddy friend to keep eachother on track let me know.

Current Mood: determined

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28 July 2009 @ 09:29 am

fasting

Liquid fasting today, time to get rid of this ugle flab, my jeans are to tight!!! GRR.
Hope you are all doing good, reach your goals be safe!
Well I'm off to dance!

Hannah

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09 July 2009 @ 12:26 pm

7/09/09

Yesterday morning 6:30 my grandpa died. He died in peace, and with a single gasp..I'd been staying with my grandparents since I found out my grandpa was quitting dialis, it has been a rough 2 weeks. I'm still very much so in shock, I knew that he was going to die, but some reason I kept telling myself that he would change his mind and go back on dialis, that he wouldn't leave me, but that was selfish he was in soo much pain. It has been a traumatizing experience, in the end I didn't even recongize him, he was so sedated when he saw me all he could do was a weak smile. Now, my shoulder that I cried on, the one person who didn't judge me, my number one fan, my support system, is gone as is a piece of me. Before he died, he asked me to play the piano, and sing you raise me up at his funeral...I promised I would and I will. I must be strong, and hold my promise...I don't know how I'm going to do it..but I'll do anything for him. He was the one person that didn't critique my flaws, he trusted my judgment, and knew I could make my dream come true. I was his ballerina girl, and he was my gramps...I already miss him, soo much. It seems so unreal, i miss him so much, all I can think of is him, and his death bring back memories that I tried so hard to bury of my brothers death. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this, and I'm sorry to lay this burden on you all. But it makes it better to write out my feelings, and cry. I love you all so much, I've missed you.
R.I.P.
Gramps...I'll forever be your ballerina girl..I love you and miss you.

To all you amazing ladies and gents, I want you all to remember your special, and beautiful. Sizes, inches, pounds, or the mirror dosen't define you, each of you have your different talents, all of you are beautiful. Never forget that, we can overcome this diease one day. Cherish every moment you have with the people you love, its to short. Life may get us down, but I know it always gets better. Give it time, never give up. I love you.
Hannah

Current Mood:

depressed

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14 June 2009 @ 01:59 pm

Struggling

Hey, beauties.

Today is the begining of a new week and I'm determined to make it a good one. I'm really struggling right now, I'm at 89.5 this morning, close to my lw, which was 87. I was cleaning my dads office, yesterday helping him move his stuff out and I found these water pills, of course my anorexic mind told me to take them, so I took one and I've been tinkling ever since! It crazy, probally a really stupid Idea, since I used to be addicted to lax. Yesterday, was my first time to go into work, for a shoot. It went well, the owner of the botique said I was looking ill, then Friday at dance I was partnering with my new partner Ian, and Will my bf and old dance partner was there helping Ian get used to partneing wit me: and ian said
Gosh she is so easy to partner, she does most of the work herself and shes light as a feather.
Then Brandon another dancer yelled across the room,
If you ask me she should down a few big macs, it would do her good.
Then I blew up and told him I didn't ask him, I was really in a bad mood after all I'd been through this week, and having to face Will made me made.
He told me sorry for forcing me into it, but it still don't make it better. I'm starting to accept the fact, that I can't undo what I did, still hurts tho. I'm not sure where me and will stand right now, I've been distant since that night. I need to really talk to him, I'm just confused.
This morning was the first time I've been to church in a few weeks, and I can't stand to be there. I mean I used to be so close to god, now I sometimes don't even believein him. I don't understand why hes letting me go through sooo much. Being at church makes me feel guilty, and idk some of the stuff I just don't get and I dk that i believe it. I used to always go to church, and I really did believe in God, but now things are to messed up.
I off to go work out, then I may drive to Wills...
ohhh yeah..haha my dad is buying a sail boat....pshhh why idk..i guess because he's a big kid. hes a weirdo.
be safe take care girls.

Current Mood:

tired

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10 June 2009 @ 11:25 am

why!???

Why do i feel so fucking guilty??? Why do i screw up everything, why am I so scared of being alone, why do i need other people to depend on, why did i just ruin the one thing i had left, that was pure.
God, please just take me...i'm sick of feeling this way, and being a screw up. I've cried all night and morning, I try to convince myself what i did didn't count, but it did. I just so scared, of him leaving me, I was tired of fighting about sex, and I was just so scared that he was tired of putting up with me, and that when he goes to college in a few weeks out state he will find someone else. I thought I could trust him, I thought he loved me, but if he really loved me would he pushed me into doing that. He knew how I felt, and he just asked "Am i not special enough", he knew i was vulnerable. I feel like I've been taken advantage of, Idk if I can face him now, I'm mad at him, but moreso I hate myself for being sooo stupid. How do I get rid of this guilty feeling, GOD i said I'm sorry! I never again want to be touched like that. Typical hannah thing are starting to look up, and I do something to make myself miserable. Fuck fuck, my parents would be dissapointed, everyone would. I had this idea that I had screwed up so much in life, that this is the one thing I wouldn't screw up, and when I was truly in love and new I would spend my life with that person, and that I knew it was the right time I would loose my virginity. But no, I lost it when i was vulnerable, and was tired of fighting, and pressured into it..i caved...why couldn't I have been strong?? Why does this bother me so much? I mean people have sex all the time, it natural right...well it makes me feel like shit. GOD IF YOUR THERE LISTEN: I AM SORRY!! SO STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! I KNOW I SCREWED UP, AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE IT BACK BUT IT TO LATE. I"M A MESS I SCREWED UP EVERYTHING POSSIBLE, I MISS SICK OF THIS ALL!

Gah, this morning accoplished nothing, i cried and cried then I excersised for 2 hour straight with interverals of crying, and I had a cold sweat..which hasn't ever happened...hopefully I'm not getting sick...i'm 90.3 after excersising...and it not good enough...I want to dissapear, It will never be good enough, I don't want to eat...I don't deserve to cuz I'm a fucking screwup, dance teacher called the house asked why i wasn't in practice, told her i wasn't feeling good, and about broke down and cried. I told her I would try to make my later classes...hes going to be there can i dance with him? I don't think I can stand for him to touch me, idk it time to face my fears. Mayb i'll go mayb not...neways i'm going to shower. Mayb i can wash away the guilt....psshhh not likely I'm going to feel used forever. And I will never forgive him for taking the one thing I had left.

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27 May 2009 @ 09:46 am

(no subject)

Mom & Dad,
Happy Aniversary Mom Dad! Today would have been your 20th aniversary. But you each decided to go your own ways a few months ago, only thinking about yourselves leaving me and your little son shattered even more. We have all been through enough. Since Nathaniel died you both just drowned yourself with work, you think your money is going to make us kids happy, but to be honest the things your spoil us with doesn't make up for you not being here. Have you heard your son crying?? "Hannah, Mommy and daddy aren't going to be together, and I want to live with them both? Yeah well, I have..I've been trying to be strong for him, but secretly I cry at night to because I'm tired of the fighting, I'm tired of trying to be strong, I'm tired of your family being split up. I relize that we haven't been the same family, since that August day almost 4 years ago, but its time to change that. I realize I have caused a lot of stress on you, always fretting about me, and I think you have given up one me. I sometimes wonder if I'm not part of the reason of constant fighting leading to this court date thursday. But divorce is not the answer, Marriage is ment to last forever, and you made it this far to throw all those memories away? I know dad your caught up at the hospital and clinic running back and forth, and mom your busy running a school, but you need to make time for your family. I see you mayb and hour a day tops, with my schedule of dance and school and everything else and your schedule, and your son spends hours at day care. You and dad used to be so happy, we were a close family, and I wish you realize how I long for that again. If you maybe just tried talking to eahother, tried spending time together which is something you haven't done in 4 years then you would see that all relationship are worth the work. Marriage consueling, is something I wish you would atleast consider and try before this divorce is finalized. Dad, I know you think your a physciartrist, so you shouldn't have to have consueling of your own...but everyone has some downfalls and they need help with! Please don't let your ego get int the way, and Mom dad has put forth a little effort, so stop being stubborn and pretending like you dont care because you do!

We have all let our pain break up our family, and that open wound will always be there, but we can't live our lives like this, he would want us to be happy and together as one family, to being shipped to one parent to the next. Do remember the year you renewed your wedding vows? That day on the beach, Nathienal was their beaming with the ring, he saw the love in your eyes, we all did and I remember thinking I want that some day, but after that tragic day theres only been pain. I would do anything for him to be here, and I will always cherish the memories I had with Nathaniel, and I know you will to. I can't imagine what it was like losing your first son, but I lost my little brother too. We are all suffering, and we need to be there for eachother. Thats whats family for.

I realize this letter is really straight ford, and I know you may be mad at me for what I've said, but its all true! Do you see how me and your son are suffering too, and we don't need a split up family on top of that. I love you both so much. I'm sorry for causing you worry. I'm trying, and thats all I ask of you is try to fix things. This letter maybe pointless,but I hope you take it to heart. I love you.
Hannah

^^^^this the letter I laid on both of my parents desk this morning. I'm scared there going to be mad, but I'm hurting so bad, that they have to know. I don't know how much more I can take, things keep happening one after another, the only thing that keeps me going is my dancing. ANd my little brother, I'm ready for all this to end.
I'm sooo weak today, Since sunday the only thing I've had is one salad, because I was forced. I don't feel like eating. I can't, I freaked out because I add up the salad to 100 (over estimated) and I freaked out I had a panick attack over 100 calories. It was to much. My dress rehersal is tonight for 3 to 10 and I'm praying that things go good and I'm prepared enough. This will be my last recital w/ my partner(my boyfriend), were doing a dance together so It means a lot to me. I'm really stressing, but I keep telling myself, I can do this, theres nothing to worry about. I'm never worried about recitals, but I feel like I'm not as well prepared this year but I'll make it though. I've had nothing today, I may try to eat something before rehearsals, but idk what probally some celery or something to keep me from passing out.
Sorry for the long long post.
I love you all. Thanks for your support.
Be safe, stay strong.

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22 May 2009 @ 01:12 pm

(no subject)

gah...here a few days ago I was disgusted at the site of food, and today and yesterday I ate like theres no freaking tomorrow. I'm deathly afraid to look at the scale but I feel like a whale. I'm sick to my stomach, gah why did I freaking binge its disgusting. My recitals 7 days from now, and I'm going to look nasty. I guess I better go weigh and see how much damage I've done, and can prolly get in an hour on the eliptical b4 dance...so I better get to it. sighs

I will have control again. Food is disgusting it just rots out your insides.

Current Mood:

sick

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18 May 2009 @ 10:08 am

god I'm an emotional wreck!

God, why am I so ashamed of myself. How have I gotten this far!?? I'm miserable, I know that I'm slowly killing myself, and destroying my dreams. Damn my mind is freaking screwed, how can I see a fat person in the mirror when I'm 92. I mean I know thats not exactly tiny, but that is underweight for my age and height...but all I can see is a fat ass. I don't feel like living anymore, my world is falling apart, I've tried everything possible to get my family back together...so far its been unsucessful. My bf is about to go across the world for a dance program, he'll forget about me and find someone better. I don't deserve him. He knows I'm starving again, I think hes giving up on me..and so am I. I've tried recovering, I've tried sooo many times. And I can't, I feel like crap. I'm stuck with this diease forever, it my big sin I guess. I basically don't believe in god anymore, I've given up on him. I mean I can't have this diease and him to, I feel undeserving..and he obvii dosen't care that my life is coming crashing down. My grandpa just got admitted back in the hospital about an hour ago...and I can't get a grip I'm just bawling. I'm an emotional wreck. Ya know my dream is to get in a good dance company, but who am I kidding, I'm killing myself I won't be able to dance. Everyone says I have the talent but lately I've been questioning myself, I'm not myself. I'm constantly sick and puny...but I've been that way for years. But now its just really taking a toll on me. For fucks sake why can't I be normal! I'm ready to end it all, I literally live just to dance..and now I can't even do that to by best ability.
I'm going to shower and go for a drive, and go to the hospital I need to clear my head.
Sorry for the rant girls, but I can't keep it bottled up any longer. I'm tired of being the strong one.

Current Mood:

sad

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06 April 2009 @ 12:20 pm

Polina

Polina is my idol...ahaha such pure beauty. I watch this about everyday to inspire me to work hard at dance. totally stunning! = )

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25 February 2009 @ 08:40 am

A break....

Last night I was a total mental case, I scared myself. My mom came home around about 8, and asked me if I had eaten, I said no I was laying down. I had been fasting since Monday night, because I was distraught over my gain. Neways, my mom forced me to eat, this itailian pasta stuff, it was loaded full of cals, and I ate only part of it. But It felt like my insides where rottening out, and I freaked because I thought I would gain, and I broke my fast...so I just went crazy.
I went upstairs told my mom i was going to take a shower ran some water and purged til I was sick, and then I got all upset because I was purging again, so I guess I tried punishing myself. I punched myself in the stomach til I was about to cry, then I started clawing my chest til I broke the skin, and carving FAT into it, then I just layed in the floor crying wanting to die, and confused.

The whole ordeal was something you would have seen in a mental institution, and I've never done anything that crazy before, sure I've been mad at my self before, but I just burst and it happened before I thought. It was almost demented, like evil. SOoo it really freaked me out, and upset me, I realized that it has gone to far. I've decided something in my life has to change, I think this ed would be a good start....mayb its something else I have no clue. But something isn't right, somethings missing? Mayb...I might just be rattling out the mouth but I know I would have never done that before..it really kinda scary.
So I'm not sure If I going to try to recover yet or not, that would be the best thing and idea....but I've tried this before always ending the same way. I'm petrified of being fat and losing control, but mayb I wouldn't get fat but I must be 98 or less so idk how that will work out, as for the control part, mayb i need to take control of my life...quit letting my parents make all the decissions. I'm still confused and not sure what I'm going to do. But I def need to get my life in order, I think taking a break from lj would be wise. I mean I love you all so much, and you are all supportive, but sometimes seeing the post of thinspo, or girl neve feeling thin enough, and be skinner than me, and stuff kinda sets me back. Its not your fault, it mine, it that part of me who dosen't recover who falls into those traps. SO I'm going to take a break from here, I'm not totally deleting my account, I will update eventually.
But I need some help, Idk what kind, but I gotta figure this out on my own.
I'm sorry for being a hypocrite trying to help all you girl recover, when I can't do it myself.
I love you all, thanks for the boocooos of love and understanding.
-Hannah

Current Mood:

confused

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23 February 2009 @ 10:16 am

Survey

*Basics

Age?
16

Height?
5'3

Weight?
99.4 (as of this morning! gained!!)

Lowest Weight?
87

Highest Weight?
113

What weight do you want to weigh?
90

What eating disorder do you have?
Anorexia with bulimic tendencies.

*In Depth

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?
under 500, unless binge

Do you throw up your food on occasion?
Yes

Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?
yup who dosen't
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?
dance

Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?
Yah, about being to skinny, and poking about bein ana.

Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?
Yeah. 13 days (blacked-out...not cool)

Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?
yes...meehh embarassing

Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?
Most certainly.

Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?
yup,
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?
No.

Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?
Yes. several times, mainly being forced, but I tried recently by myself

*Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?
yesss

What part of your body would you change?
my dancer legs, and booty

On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?
4

Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?
for the most part..yes

Because of your body appearance/weight, have you become severely depressed?
yeahhh

Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?
yup guilty

*Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough?
I'm puny, but I don't eat unhealthy foods

Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?
sorta,.

fat grams?
Yes

Calories?
Yes.

Are you often tired/fatigued?
most of the time

Do you feel more energized after eating food?
no i feel fat

Do you eat meat?
nope vegetarian

Do you eat your food in a certain way?
I pick at my food, cut it up in a billon pieces, chew 2o times, and throw it away.

Do people tell you you look sick or famished?
yeah,

Have you ever thrown up blood?
Yes.

Is your heart bpm above 49?
Dunno.

Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?
sometimes

*Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?
somewhat, I would say the industries I'm pursuing my dreams such as the dance and acting industry def don't help.

What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?
idk why anyone would want to be ana, or wish ana upon anyone else. I'm not for it.

Do you have any other mental disorders?
uhh not that i know of...adhd?>

What's your favourite food to eat?
celery, carrots ,strawberries,

Favourite drink
water, or diet coke, green tea

Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?
yesss

Do you want to recover?

sometimes, mainly for other people. I'm not ready to recover yet.

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18 February 2009 @ 10:10 am

Fall seven times, stand up eight.- Japenesse Quote

Gramps is back in the hospital, where there hole are for his dialysis he had a blood clot, the dr. told my gma he didn't know why he's still living. Which really kinda hurts me, he said he want to see me dance one more time. I love my grandpa sooo sooo much, he don't judge me and he love me more than anything, and I love him more than anything.
WHen will this all end, I mean gah my aunt just almost killed herself in a car crash and I was basically taking care of her and is living w/ us off and on, now my grandpa is back in. Why?? Its soo confusing. Atleast he won't be staying there, he is having surgery in about 2 hours. Its like he's dieing in front of us, he keep getting worse then he's better for a little while then it hits again!
My self esteem is really in the pits right now and I got the flu, I feel like a cow. I'm avoding mirrors, but that not really workind bcuz at dance in a room full of mirrors! HA! Since my whole "recovery" attempt, and I gained about 5 pounds I feel fat! I know the scale says I'm not fat, but the mirror screams it..and that little voice in my head tells me. yeah..insane.
On the bright side, my dad has talked to my mom, and he's trying to make things work. Which makes me sooo happy.
School is calling my name..
_Hannah

Current Mood:

drained

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13 February 2009 @ 01:41 pm

2/13

So me and my dad have been going around and around. So i just wrote him a 3 page letter this moring, explaining how hard this seperation has been on me, mom, and my brother. And how he's been mad about everything, and we never see him. Especially how it being hard on mom, and I'm doing the best I can to keep this family functioning, cuz my mom can't work full time and do it all herself. Not that I have much time myself but every little thing helps. I also, told him that we have lost enough in this family, when we lost my brother. And how none of us have been the same since, that we need to stick together in times like these, and both me and my brother need both of them. Also, I mentioned about how they work to much and they need to be spending time with while they can. I told him mom still needs him and I need my daddy back. I told him I want it the way it used to be, when me and him were inseperable and we told eachother everything.
...Hopefully he won't mad at me for some of the things I said, but it was all pure truth and he needs to hear it..I'm praying it will change things. I took it by his office before he got there this morning. I think his receptionist was wondering what was up, i told her I had to leave something for him and she said I'll give it to him. I just said no I was going to sit it on his desk.
Then I went to and bought a flower arrangement for my brothers grave and put them out. I sat out there for about 30 minutes thinking, crying, and talking to him. (sounds kinda crazy to talk to a dead person, but I do..mayb I was talking moreso to God though) Neways it upsets me to go to the cemetary, but this time it made me feel better. Sorta. I feel like I did a good thing. I just wish Nathaniel knew how much I missed him.

I just got off the eliptical machine..I used it for 40 mins and burnd 804.7 cals..and I've only had 3 strawberries and a diet coke today. I was purple by the time I got of the machine..but I felt light and airy. Kinda a natural high. I have basically given up recovery. I've went from 92 to 96 in about 2 months..I hate the feeling. But I hate what the diease does to me and everyone who cares. So idk..I try to eat normaly and normal for me would be less than 500 cals. If I eat anything I feel guilty..but I know I have will power and strength..obvvii. BUt why can't I use it for eating instead of starving. I use starving as a outlet, and i have a fear of gaining. Hopefully one day I can be normal.

Haha well I haven't got much school done today! I have dance in about 1 1/2. So i better get busy. Todays my short day at dance, only til 6:30..then i going to a friends to spend the night....first time in atleast 6 months! I hate the fact tho that we always end up talking about our boyfriends, and they always ask about my eating..and they pig out..its gross. But I made them promise no depressing talk just fun. I gotta get up at 6 so i can make it to agency classes...so hopefully they don't keep me up all night. Then it Valentines day...bleh! I get to spend the rest of the day w/ WIll, and he still won't tell me what we are doing. SO i'm kinda scared haha.

Happy Valentines Day, in advance!

Current Mood:

confused

Current Music: 4 mins - madonna

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12 February 2009 @ 01:59 pm

..............

My dad went all crazy on me this morning. I guess I wasn't being the most pleasant person, but he didn't have to say the things he said. Everyone including him, think that I should always be happy and cheery. He brought in the whole, "You should be grateful and you have nothing to be depressed about..me and your mom give you all you want, you have friends, your talented and have a future and front of you, whats your problem!??" Of course he brings my brother in it. Which makes me mader than hell. He wants to know why I can't talk to him..he's judgemental. How do any of his patients stand it, they actual pay him to talk to him about their problems..I guess he dosen't give them the looks of disaproval like me. Then he offers to let me talk to his friend who is a physcartrist also. HELL NO..been there it didn't work
Then I ask myself what is my problem?? The fact I have no time for a social life because my parents having me do 50 zillon things, from modeling to acting. Ohhh what about that I can't go to regular school anymore because of all these activity, they told me I had to give something up. But I loved school, I miss just being a normal teen who is on the dance team and hangsout w friends. They expect me to be perfect, and the biggest fact my parents are quitting on eachother when things get hard, and they haven't been the same since my brother died. I'm still so angry at the world...and I know I shouldn't be. Because so many ppl have it worse..but idk I still am. I'm sick of myself! I tried recovering..I Failed! They ask if I'm eating...I lie. I'm a ungrateful, spoiled, liar.

I don't feel like trying anymore....

I'm going to the studio..the only way to clear my head is dance. Forget about school.
Love,
A messed up, angry girl

Current Mood:

cranky

Current Music: the way I am- Ingrid Michaelson

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06 January 2009 @ 08:41 am

Divorce...non ed related.

SO after I came in last night from dance my mom was dwn stairs cryin, and she said she needed to tlk to me. My mom and her are getting a divorce. So now my parent I rarely ever see bc there care only about, decided to go ruin our family even more! My mom is alrede starting the whole shit about who will you wanna live w/. Which means were going to have to move from our wonderful big house to less glamourous. My dad said he wants to stay here in this house but what will a man do 5bdr house?? WHich possibly means I may have to change school districts, dance studios, and well basically everything. Actually I'm more upset about the fact that, they can't work it out. I mean I know they have been fighting, but I never suspected divorce, until BAM it hits me in the face. I have a 3 yr old little brother who needs a mother and a father....not just being shipped from one parent to another! Truth be told I need them.

AND THIS ALL MAkes ME WONDER, DID HAVE ANYTHING TO DO W/ THIS, AM I THE CAUSE OF THEIR PROBLEMS??!????
So now my life is ruined!!! And I'm tired as hell, bc I layed up thinking all night. Now I have to get up and go to freaking vocal lessons...I'm thinking I don't wanna go.

Sorry for the long post. But I had to tell someone.

Current Mood:

sad

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22 December 2008 @ 07:58 am

(no subject)

Grrr...I hate this. Just last night I actually did something w/ the church youth group it was like a big bonfire cmas thing. It was totally freezing. Like 18 degrees, so my friend nathan gave me his letterman to wear...so of course will was like we need to talk. Then he started hounding me asking me what is that about, why are you wear his jacket blah blah blah. Which was so ridiculous but it turned into a big fight, and we totally started ignoring eachother so I went to sit by the guy I met a few days ago who is friends w/ all my friends, but he just moved here. So when it was time to eat, I grab a lil saucer plate, of course everyone else got a regular one. But I put three chips, and a small cookie on it. which I crumbled up into a million pieces. So I was just sitting there talking to the new guy (ben), and hes like gah, what do you do starve yourself. I was like Excuse me what did you say.
Then he like your eating nothing, do you starve yourself. SO I just looked at him and said you don't need to joke about that kinda stuff, some people do have that problem. I was trying to blow it off, but then my best friends boyfriends was like, " you dumbass, she freaking anorexic."

WHY does everyone in the world have to know about my eating disorder, I just want someone to treat me normal!! Of course ben went on and on how that I was to skinny, and I'm to pretty to starve myself and think I was fat. He wouldn't shut up long enough for me to tell him I'm recovering...but I finally got it out.

But then again I think mayb I'm just lying to everyone again?? Am I really recovering?? I still do things like a anorexic, and part of me dosen't want to change. Since I've started this whole recovery thing, I has fasted only once, but I still restrict, I count every calorie, I pretend to eat still, and I have purged once. It like I can't force myself to eat, I've been trying to stay under 600 cals, but one day I did have like 830. But other than that it was been under 600. One day I guess I was bloated and gained 3 pounds, but they left quickly...so since the whole recovery thing I've gained one pound. But feel like a blimp, I look fatter, I feel fatter. I don't want to eat...ugggh. I'm soo sick of this all, I'm depressed as hell. I wish no one new ab my ed, so It wouldn't hurt them, and I wouldn't feel like a freaking mental loser.

I have 5 days til I leave for Breckenridge, CO. Will my bf was going w/ me, but now he's being a total jealous baby. So mayb he won't come, and to be honest if he dosen't Idc...cuz it already going to be stressful as hell w/ everyone trying to shove food in my face. Thank goodness my bff ash is going. She may keep me sane. I'm ready to hit the slopes...I love the feeling so free, and soo beautiful.

Merry Christmas
Hanna

Current Location: home- gettin ready

Current Mood:

depressed

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19 November 2008 @ 09:06 pm

spleen....rant yah dah yag dah

Depressed....seems like a lot of us regret this ed. Its a pain..but it got us right where she wants us. I hate it...but i'm sick of myself.
I'm commenting on yalls post saying be strong you can make it through and tryin to encourage you to get out of it b4 its to late..but i can't take my own advice. I want..but i cant
This is the second time I've broke down and cried tonite...my life is falling apart..i hate myself for lettin this happen.
And i hate having all this time to think...mayb i should try to sleepp...but i have thot running thru my head.

I'm having some massive pains right under my ribcage right side...i think becuz my spleen is swollen cuz i have mono. Its throbbing...its kinda scaring me....surly it wont repture!?? Idk...at this point idc..
Could an icepack help/////idk its an internal organ so how to you stop swelling???

Be carful girls
Be strong
and ily and im here for you.

Current Mood:

depressed

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